2 years

Two years since i wrote - and what a two years it has been because i can barely remember a thing from it.

what i can say is that I fell out and back in love with my husband - chose the box over the money and had a kid.

iv been at the top of my game - the bottom of my game and had to even reinvent the game when the plot was forgotten

i have been a super hero and anti hero and then just someone begging to be saved from themselves. i wonder if i actually take too much credit for my own life and i imagine this could very well be the case. the one time i cried to God and asked him to help me that's what he did - reached down from heaven and pulled me out of the hole that I'm sure the enemy started digging but i unashamedly took the shovel over and continued to dig for myself. until i couldn't see the light. until i was suffocating from myself and the clostrephibic reluctance of actually validating who i am because to much.

I was successful in doing nothing the past 2 years except for becoming a mother and believing that all things work together for good, and that's enough. Then well i did what I have done so many time before ,just started again.

Cut my hair, took up jogging, dedicated myself indefinitely to breastfeeding and embarked of the eternal quest of rediscovering my awesomeness.

As I cut my hair I promised myself that this was the last time I do this, the last time i start over.

I wont look back and dwell on what was not achieved (lest I talk myself into depression) I can only take this place where God has left me - on this new plain and pick up my cross and carry on.

I look at things differently now, being a mom does that - sleep is a luxury and when that alarm hits and you clear your eyes - the fuzzy picture you see is just how it is. that's what you get so do with it what you can.

I love my husband more purely, being a broken person is a tiring existence, but being the person who lives with and constantly reassembles said broken person must be absolutely devastating.

Needless to say I have reduced my goal list for this year to two things, only two, even though my pen shook while i wrote them down, (I also scratched out the third) - so its just two this year! Because I want to remember this year. I want to be present in this year, not just a casualty of it.

Eat better | move more | take more pictures