It’s almost birthday time AGAIN
Its 4 weeks until my birthday and thinking back to my
birthday last year gave me a cold chill.
I still have the diary entry I wrote while kneeling on the
on the floor of my bedroom, writing through the tears. I haven’t thought back
at that day for a while but now that I do I remember it so vividly.
Two weeks prior My brother (and ill talk more about him
later) had just doused my dad with acid in an attempt to kill him and fled. My mom
who had moved from Polokwane to Johannesburg to help me with my first baby had
to rush back to Polokwane to look after her husband as well as the family
business.
My job, the one I had fasted and prayed for, the one that I
had gotten a clear directive from God to go for had become my greatest burden
and I just couldn't make out a single blue sky in my situation. I had hospital
bills to pay as a result to an emergency C-Section, I had a car to pay for, a
household to run, a half day job which had actually turned into an all day job with
no turning off, I had to find the time to be a full time mother to my 4 month
old child and look I wasn’t coping.
I thought If only I had not left my previous job with my
benefits, free car, medical aid and 6 months paid maternity leave. If only my
brother wasn’t such a psychopath, if only my dad hadn’t dismissed my other
brother he would have been there to run the business leaving my life relatively
unaffected.
At that moment on the floor at something past 8pm while
daddy and baby slept I realised that I couldn’t be angry because the world wasn’t
in my control. Life was happening (Not necessarily happening to but happening in
spite of me) and that moment was one of few I had to be sad before life had to
carry on again.
I wrote that things sucked and I didn’t want to be there
anymore.
I wrote that i wasn’t coping with the child during the day
I wrote that i hated my job, i hated working for the people
i worked for and I hated that it was what I had chosen and what the weight of
my decision was doing to me
I wrote that I had prayed and I had moved on Gods
instruction and I intended for him to make a way like he was always said to do
where there was no way.
I wrote that He who had the key of David would not only make
a door but open it for me because He is the Great I AM and i needed him to move
NOW, cause I was tiered, Lord I was so tiered.
I wrote what I wanted to do in my new job that he wasn’t going
to make for me if need be, how much i needed to be earning and what my benefits
needed to be
I wrote that my marriage was to stay healthy
My son was to be happy and healthy and looked after by a
mother that was mentally and physically present
I wrote that my mom would be ok
I wrote that I was happy to learn deep and meaningful things
about this space in my life but FIRST God had to save me... and he did.
I am in a much better space now, my situation did in fact
change, a door was built, opened and a way created.
I am turning 28 this year and I am not sulky or distraught, In
fact I’m just getting on with things because I am as responsible for things as
God is.
I made a decision, I can’t be reliving the same scary
roller coaster in life – I just can’t, I Must Grow, I Must Learn and I must Move
through this thing called life.
