One week in

One week into work for 2016 and a week into my annual fast.

I started running again last week and its been good, I feel good.With a friend makes thing better, not easier because accountability you see.

I have quit eating meat (finally and have stopped making noise about it too) and switched from normal milk to soya milk. because my body has decided that is not how we roll anymore

I have learnt that lettuce makes me bloated, nuts make me bloated and that reheated pasta upsets the system. have since stayed away from everything except nuts but I'm working on it.

I have a better relationship with my mom since our fall out last year where i called her crazy and told her I would murder her grandchild - not the same grandchild that is also my son, no not that one.
I still haven't figured out how to approach said grandchild (the one i promised to kill) but I am counting on my miraculous ability to get over things. I wish her well, I just want her to achive these all important goals away from my personal space

I have gotten as far with studying as drawing up my study calendar (small gains) and have deadlines for this week already. Today after the run we book it out.

I really want a dinner table, and a night away from my husband and child to re-center my self before I lose my sense of humor.

I also want to be a step ahead of my lazy self who convinced me to blog instead of finishing my work...
Got me again! Let me finish my work.

Welcome to 2016

Today is my first day back at work and I promise I am all covered up in enough armor (Of God) to get me through with no qualms.

I was going to write and complain about my boss and how terrible she is at dealing with people but you know what, I wont, because I no longer want to give energy to that pain. It can longer be a focus for my work days or the bain of the time I spend here.
Not when the world is so big and broad and filled with possibility and darn-it there are people in this world who are just starting over and starting properly to live their best life.

So I decided that is exactly what I need to do. Something gave - It had to give.

I went for my first job of the week last night which wasn't bad. That Is what I am using to describe it. Not entirely positive but not negative. I am going it again today.

I must also say that I have 3 very specific goals for 2016
1. To start a new communications job in corporate
2. To finish my degree
3. To reach my goal weight

Thats it. No hopes no dreams for the greater man just 3 goals for myself that I want to work on actively everyday. The way I see it I will be to busy to worry about the 14 kg i gained last year or the current boss who has no people skill.

Life and myself must move on now. I am willing it to be so. I am working on it to be so.
I readying ,myself to I am prepared for it to be so.
My blessing will find me ready.

Looked like I was going to end the post there huh, nope! I am grateful for life. Weird the older I get the more grateful I become for life and health. When I was younger those where the least of my prayers because people didnt die then, But with each passing year I am Aware of this blessing and may it not be wasted on me.

I got on the scale today

I got on the scale today and found that I had gained 3.3 kg in 2 months. I got on an off because I am certain that the scale is broken and it gave me the same result.

I have gained 13 kg this year, steady 1kg increments sneaking up on me little barsteds thinking I wouldn’t see them. Well I didn’t. Ok maybe I did and I had all the intent in the world to do something about it. I promise I did and to think back to earlier this year when I have 2kg to go to my goal weight and now I’m 15kg in. Fuck ME!

I want to blame the nuts – I went on a 21 day fast and drowned my sorrows in nuts. I gained a steady 6 kg that month. Anyway it can’t all be the nuts. I had a lot of final meals too.

Like I’m so going to train hard tomorrow so ima eat this KFC for the last time. Or this burger WITH the dessert, and its fine that I feel like I’m going to vom because tomorrow I’m starting L

I have considered bulimia – I just find throwing up inconvenient. Really that’s the only reason I haven’t gone there (hold your judgement please)

I have also considered taking the diet pills on the black market the ones a friend (who will not be names) told me I can get at that Engen garage by the Haartes T-Junction, you know the one past Lanseria. But I’m not good with pills and I’m breastfeeding but mostly because I’m not good with pills. Birth control pills where a job and now I have a son but look I digress.

I think I am at a very interesting place where the euphoria of getting fit has steadily faded and now it’s down to hard work – what’s that about? Also I seem to have overcome my general self hatred of my body, it happens when you are in a loving relationship and have a kid because as some point you need to get back to living.

I need to do something now. Today Now because I don’t have another kg to give.(To be used interchangeably with Fux going forward) Not one single one and when I go back to the Dr. 4 Jan shit would had have needed to change and look in the greater universal law of ‘some-things’ giving. I refuse to be that something.

So I have a plan – Arg I always have a plan – I have planned the job.

Keep you posted

There is nothing wrong with islands, the uninhabited are the most peaceful

In my growing and learning I learn more about myself and even more about other people.

I am struggling a bit with some personal relationships letting people in then they are too close and then having to redefine my boundaries which is always a tricky thing.

I am finding that I am becoming more intolerant as I seek to de-clutter my life and simplify my existence. I just want to preserve my energy so I can be a functioning individual in all aspects of my life. It’s not even about what the broader society demands of me I just need to get on with things and really don’t have hours to dedicate to sulking anymore or stroking egos or hugging it out. Can we just be past that already?

I am having to ask myself reluctantly so, if I am a bad person. If I am a closed off person if I am difficult to speak to or relate to.

I try so hard to make people see how wonderful I am and how we really could be great friends and how I promise you will love me then I invite them in make them comfy. Why am I then the same person who is hurt, no hurt is the wrong word, irritated when I realise you are an ungrateful asshole who just came to my inner circle for the “great coffee and free wifi” and now I have to maneuver around the complication you let in because you didn’t think it pertinent to shut the door behind you.

I never know what to do then, do I step back, will you notice do I confront you or do I just turn the aircon up and hope to goodness that you will leave?

I envy the happiness and confidence that people with simple lives have - my husband is one - he has clearly defined his family and friends and his life is full and uncomplicated. I am teaching him to network and make friends but after today i just want to say you know actually you had a good thing going there.

As I make the circle even smaller I realise I have a general dislike for people until they have shown their colours and drawn their lines in the sand. I won’t deal with the unknown anymore, I don’t have the capacity...

You don’t have to leave my life immediately, I am just saying I can hear you perfectly fine from the other side of the wall

My weight story continues

At a point not too long ago I was only 2kg from my goal weight, but I have gained half of it back in the space of 2 months. And I honestly want to blame nuts, corn nuts in particular but nuts in general.

Anyway I need to get out of these bad habits and in my lifetime reach my goal weight of 63kg.

The first part is to get a scale and deal with myself over the next few weeks. My Ciara body missions cannot just be something I day-dream about on my way to work while drive-dancing to body party.

I am notorious for making excuses for myself and spending my time planning to do things and not getting around to it. Man is it too much to get in shape. Is it too much to not live a life of deprivation? Is it too much to not have some bread now and then?

I just wana live, but live healthily and feel good in my body.

First thing first ... get a scale L

This morning I lay in bed hiding under the covers

As I lay there waiting for time to pass I came across this article about a mother who was diagnosed with cancer and at the same time found out she was pregnant. She went through chemo while she was pregnant and had to have a mastectomy and when she was finally induced at 37 weeks she was able to breastfeed for only a short time before going back on chemo.

The pictures broke my heart because I could see she just couldn’t believe that she was able to have this baby.  I tried to imagine myself as this woman facing her reality and baring her brunt and I just cried, she was trying to raise money to get donor milk and at the same time was trying to raise her two older kids, fix her car and survive the treatment for her disease, every post she asked for prayers and thanked God, and i just lay there and cried. I cried because my life was good, man I cried and cried  and cried.

I went on to read comments and how this was the story of so many other woman. So many had to fight for their lives to bring children into this worlds and others didn’t live long enough to see these children grow. I looked at my life of privilege, I look at my situation and all the problems I had and just cried because I felt inconsiderate, spoilt and selfish for not just being grateful. Her story felt so close, I battled great depression when I had my son, but  this woman all the way across the world from me in a situation it could have been me, but it wasn’t so I cried.

I was overwhelmed with such gratitude and I just cried some more.

It reminded me I need to fix things with my husband (Which is the reason why I was hiding in the first place) we get so caught up being parents, and going through the motions that we forget to just be nice to each other, be considerate of each other and be mindful.

Its almost birthday time again

It’s almost birthday time AGAIN

Its 4 weeks until my birthday and thinking back to my birthday last year gave me a cold chill.

I still have the diary entry I wrote while kneeling on the on the floor of my bedroom, writing through the tears. I haven’t thought back at that day for a while but now that I do I remember it so vividly.

Two weeks prior My brother (and ill talk more about him later) had just doused my dad with acid in an attempt to kill him and fled. My mom who had moved from Polokwane to Johannesburg to help me with my first baby had to rush back to Polokwane to look after her husband as well as the family business.

My job, the one I had fasted and prayed for, the one that I had gotten a clear directive from God to go for had become my greatest burden and I just couldn't make out a single blue sky in my situation. I had hospital bills to pay as a result to an emergency C-Section, I had a car to pay for, a household to run, a half day job which had actually turned into an all day job with no turning off, I had to find the time to be a full time mother to my 4 month old child and look I wasn’t coping.

I thought If only I had not left my previous job with my benefits, free car, medical aid and 6 months paid maternity leave. If only my brother wasn’t such a psychopath, if only my dad hadn’t dismissed my other brother he would have been there to run the business leaving my life relatively unaffected.

At that moment on the floor at something past 8pm while daddy and baby slept I realised that I couldn’t be angry because the world wasn’t in my control. Life was happening (Not necessarily happening to but happening in spite of me) and that moment was one of few I had to be sad before life had to carry on again.

I wrote that things sucked and I didn’t want to be there anymore.

I wrote that i wasn’t coping with the child during the day

I wrote that i hated my job, i hated working for the people i worked for and I hated that it was what I had chosen and what the weight of my decision was doing to me

I wrote that I had prayed and I had moved on Gods instruction and I intended for him to make a way like he was always said to do where there was no way.

I wrote that He who had the key of David would not only make a door but open it for me because He is the Great I AM and i needed him to move NOW, cause I was tiered, Lord I was so tiered.

I wrote what I wanted to do in my new job that he wasn’t going to make for me if need be, how much i needed to be earning and what my benefits needed to be

I wrote that my marriage was to stay healthy

My son was to be happy and healthy and looked after by a mother that was mentally and physically present

I wrote that my mom would be ok

I wrote that I was happy to learn deep and meaningful things about this space in my life but FIRST God had to save me... and he did.

I am in a much better space now, my situation did in fact change, a door was built, opened and a way created.

I am turning 28 this year and I am not sulky or distraught, In fact I’m just getting on with things because I am as responsible for things as God is.

I made a decision, I can’t be reliving the same scary roller coaster in life – I just can’t, I Must Grow, I Must Learn and I must Move through this thing called life.