I used to stay home with my child and after my mom had to go home the reality of being a working stay at home mom fast became stark cold reality.
It was hard, kids are hard and I'm pretty sure I cried - ALOT.
I couldn't wait for the saving grace of my husband walking through the door to take the kid I'd use those precious moment to shower, brush my teeth, eat - the little luxuries.
So I understand what my helper has to deal with and as the kid grows and becomes more of a force my reasoning has turned to plain amazement and curious wonder as to how she manages anything at all over an above feeding, bathing, clothing the kid and keeping him stay alive till we get home - I pay her well as a result. well above minimum wage, I do it because I know she would much rather be home raising her own children then my own. her having a living wage is important, she is looking after our most prized possession after all right? (This would be a great place to speak about the striking mine workers and their wages but I digress)
Today a colleague turned to me for advise because her helper (lets call her helper Maria) Maria stays with her grandchild during the week. Now she tells me that she doesn't mind, but she also tells me that the whole situation has become too much for her and her family to manage.
You see the grand daughter is the same age as her eldest son (she has two kids) and when they get home its just chaos! She says she feels for Maria because Maria clearly isn't coping with taking care of all three kids, she doesnt mind(there is is again) the kids playing together but when she arrives to find cokie pen marks on the tile she knows that the nanny is no longer able to look after all three especially given that she is paid to look after her kids alone. The conversation carried on in that tone as i ate my chicken and tried to keep a nonjudgmental face. The colleague had asked the helper to pack a lunch for her grandchild but these kids just don't stop eating and she cant be footing the bill for meals as well as the additional bath water used. The kids play and when she wants to take her son for swimming lessons and Maria's grand child wants to come too its hard to say no because she doesn't always want to take her with. Its the infringement of the personal time she was going to be having with her child and this additional child just takes away from it. My colleagues tells me that the child who previously was not at home on weekends has been spending weekends with Maria which effectively means the child is spending weekends with her son / her (pick whichever you would prefer to use) the conversation degenerated to the point of her saying she told Maria she must make a plan with the child after school because this just could not go on.
Ijob ijob and Maria will need to tell her daughter that she cant look after her grandchild after school anymore. the daughter will need to find a solution for her child since the school doesn't offer after care. Maria's grandchild will want to know why she cant come home to grannies house and play anymore and why she has to be taken to an aftercare somewhere or be forced to go to her mothers work and wait there sitting still and being quiet until her mother gets off work taking a taxi in the late afternoon to only get home after dark. Or she will be forced to come home and sit in her grannies room looking out the window at her friends playing. It is then for the first time in her life she will understand that she is different from them, she might not know why but she will know if for sure and that memory will stay with her forever.
I told my colleague about the terms of employment and the importance of honesty with her helper - i only did this because it was easier that explaining a concept so foreign so bazaar as ubuntu - she would never understand.
This poor girl would learn a lesson so many of us have had to learn along the way, be it at school or varsity or in the trenches of CorpSA.
The lesson I had to learn when I couldn't let my white friends come sleep over at my house because well we didn't have a house. the same lessons that are learnt when you look at your pay slip and that of your white less educated BFF, when you don't go away for June holidays to places where you can ski, when you get told you speak English so well, when you get congratulated for being able to speak more than two languages, when you MUST move to a suburb because you need to get your child into that model C school. when you are taken to a meeting with a black client to set their mind at ease...
We Are Not The Same
