I got on the scale today

I got on the scale today and found that I had gained 3.3 kg in 2 months. I got on an off because I am certain that the scale is broken and it gave me the same result.

I have gained 13 kg this year, steady 1kg increments sneaking up on me little barsteds thinking I wouldn’t see them. Well I didn’t. Ok maybe I did and I had all the intent in the world to do something about it. I promise I did and to think back to earlier this year when I have 2kg to go to my goal weight and now I’m 15kg in. Fuck ME!

I want to blame the nuts – I went on a 21 day fast and drowned my sorrows in nuts. I gained a steady 6 kg that month. Anyway it can’t all be the nuts. I had a lot of final meals too.

Like I’m so going to train hard tomorrow so ima eat this KFC for the last time. Or this burger WITH the dessert, and its fine that I feel like I’m going to vom because tomorrow I’m starting L

I have considered bulimia – I just find throwing up inconvenient. Really that’s the only reason I haven’t gone there (hold your judgement please)

I have also considered taking the diet pills on the black market the ones a friend (who will not be names) told me I can get at that Engen garage by the Haartes T-Junction, you know the one past Lanseria. But I’m not good with pills and I’m breastfeeding but mostly because I’m not good with pills. Birth control pills where a job and now I have a son but look I digress.

I think I am at a very interesting place where the euphoria of getting fit has steadily faded and now it’s down to hard work – what’s that about? Also I seem to have overcome my general self hatred of my body, it happens when you are in a loving relationship and have a kid because as some point you need to get back to living.

I need to do something now. Today Now because I don’t have another kg to give.(To be used interchangeably with Fux going forward) Not one single one and when I go back to the Dr. 4 Jan shit would had have needed to change and look in the greater universal law of ‘some-things’ giving. I refuse to be that something.

So I have a plan – Arg I always have a plan – I have planned the job.

Keep you posted

There is nothing wrong with islands, the uninhabited are the most peaceful

In my growing and learning I learn more about myself and even more about other people.

I am struggling a bit with some personal relationships letting people in then they are too close and then having to redefine my boundaries which is always a tricky thing.

I am finding that I am becoming more intolerant as I seek to de-clutter my life and simplify my existence. I just want to preserve my energy so I can be a functioning individual in all aspects of my life. It’s not even about what the broader society demands of me I just need to get on with things and really don’t have hours to dedicate to sulking anymore or stroking egos or hugging it out. Can we just be past that already?

I am having to ask myself reluctantly so, if I am a bad person. If I am a closed off person if I am difficult to speak to or relate to.

I try so hard to make people see how wonderful I am and how we really could be great friends and how I promise you will love me then I invite them in make them comfy. Why am I then the same person who is hurt, no hurt is the wrong word, irritated when I realise you are an ungrateful asshole who just came to my inner circle for the “great coffee and free wifi” and now I have to maneuver around the complication you let in because you didn’t think it pertinent to shut the door behind you.

I never know what to do then, do I step back, will you notice do I confront you or do I just turn the aircon up and hope to goodness that you will leave?

I envy the happiness and confidence that people with simple lives have - my husband is one - he has clearly defined his family and friends and his life is full and uncomplicated. I am teaching him to network and make friends but after today i just want to say you know actually you had a good thing going there.

As I make the circle even smaller I realise I have a general dislike for people until they have shown their colours and drawn their lines in the sand. I won’t deal with the unknown anymore, I don’t have the capacity...

You don’t have to leave my life immediately, I am just saying I can hear you perfectly fine from the other side of the wall

My weight story continues

At a point not too long ago I was only 2kg from my goal weight, but I have gained half of it back in the space of 2 months. And I honestly want to blame nuts, corn nuts in particular but nuts in general.

Anyway I need to get out of these bad habits and in my lifetime reach my goal weight of 63kg.

The first part is to get a scale and deal with myself over the next few weeks. My Ciara body missions cannot just be something I day-dream about on my way to work while drive-dancing to body party.

I am notorious for making excuses for myself and spending my time planning to do things and not getting around to it. Man is it too much to get in shape. Is it too much to not live a life of deprivation? Is it too much to not have some bread now and then?

I just wana live, but live healthily and feel good in my body.

First thing first ... get a scale L

This morning I lay in bed hiding under the covers

As I lay there waiting for time to pass I came across this article about a mother who was diagnosed with cancer and at the same time found out she was pregnant. She went through chemo while she was pregnant and had to have a mastectomy and when she was finally induced at 37 weeks she was able to breastfeed for only a short time before going back on chemo.

The pictures broke my heart because I could see she just couldn’t believe that she was able to have this baby.  I tried to imagine myself as this woman facing her reality and baring her brunt and I just cried, she was trying to raise money to get donor milk and at the same time was trying to raise her two older kids, fix her car and survive the treatment for her disease, every post she asked for prayers and thanked God, and i just lay there and cried. I cried because my life was good, man I cried and cried  and cried.

I went on to read comments and how this was the story of so many other woman. So many had to fight for their lives to bring children into this worlds and others didn’t live long enough to see these children grow. I looked at my life of privilege, I look at my situation and all the problems I had and just cried because I felt inconsiderate, spoilt and selfish for not just being grateful. Her story felt so close, I battled great depression when I had my son, but  this woman all the way across the world from me in a situation it could have been me, but it wasn’t so I cried.

I was overwhelmed with such gratitude and I just cried some more.

It reminded me I need to fix things with my husband (Which is the reason why I was hiding in the first place) we get so caught up being parents, and going through the motions that we forget to just be nice to each other, be considerate of each other and be mindful.