I've been on leave this whole week. don't mistake this for a time on the beach or any time to relax, it was time spent working from home. Which was fine. i have an emotional melt down on Tuesday, i think i was expecting it from all the cleaning i did on Monday. I clean to distress and get my mind off things. my mind get onto an idea or a thought and it can absolutely cripple me. i think so far into the future that what is meant to come next is just terrifying. so i clean. almost like drinking or taking drugs that. because it feels great for that moment but it doesn't last for long and that time you could have spent otherwise productively turns to smoke... i digress.
I think i suffer from anxiety attacks, it would explain my crippling moments when my heart beats and i think I'm going to be a failure. it would also explain my dizzy spells and my arm going down my left arm. SMH I'm going to die one day. but before i do lets talk about my dark room.
I have always referred to my life as me sitting in a room with a few doors in front of me because i am indecisive - well that and from pure exhaustion i kinda just sit in the room and don't ever choose a "whats next" so i sit. right in the same spot i sit. i think deep inside i probably am just lazy to get my brain working again to start the hustle again just lazy nje. knowing that once i start ill never stop knowing that once i start i wont have time for the simplicity that my life has right now. the down side of that is that i feel intellectually comatose. or comfortable.
amongst others the good thing about where i am at the moment (sitting in the room) is that I'm started to get bed sores from sitting on my ass too long and its become hella uncomfortable. i think at some point i even fell asleep at my chair and hit my head. don't get me wrong often i will get up from my chair and pase around the room, even put my hand on a door handle or my ear against the door. but i haven't done anything until now...
I think i suffer from anxiety attacks, it would explain my crippling moments when my heart beats and i think I'm going to be a failure. it would also explain my dizzy spells and my arm going down my left arm. SMH I'm going to die one day. but before i do lets talk about my dark room.
I have always referred to my life as me sitting in a room with a few doors in front of me because i am indecisive - well that and from pure exhaustion i kinda just sit in the room and don't ever choose a "whats next" so i sit. right in the same spot i sit. i think deep inside i probably am just lazy to get my brain working again to start the hustle again just lazy nje. knowing that once i start ill never stop knowing that once i start i wont have time for the simplicity that my life has right now. the down side of that is that i feel intellectually comatose. or comfortable.
amongst others the good thing about where i am at the moment (sitting in the room) is that I'm started to get bed sores from sitting on my ass too long and its become hella uncomfortable. i think at some point i even fell asleep at my chair and hit my head. don't get me wrong often i will get up from my chair and pase around the room, even put my hand on a door handle or my ear against the door. but i haven't done anything until now...
No comments:
Post a Comment